NARRATOR (V-O): Once upon a time, in the magical land of talking multicolored horses
there were two princesses but no king or queen for some reason.
The white one, Princess Hot Plot, made the sun shine wherever she went.
The black one, Princess Crescent,
was known to show everypony her full moon, if you know what I mean.
However she eventually became jealous
because everypony kept saying her flank wasn't as hot as her sister's.
She became evil and forced the ponies to worship her full moon,
if you know what I mean.
Thus eventually Princess Hot Plot banished her to the moon for exhibitionism.
Pretty ironic, don'tcha think?
Now the sun shines all the time which is extremely bad for the little ponies skin
and if they would look into the sky now, they'd go blind.
Therefore Princess Hot Plot had made herself...
NARRATOR, PURPLE STAR (V-O): ...many enemies...
PURPLE STAR (V-O): "...but nopony had ever succeeded in killing her so far."
Hm...
Maybe I could...
Nah!
["Welcome To The H.E.R.D. Theme" starts playing]
[song ends]
TRIPLE VOICE: Hey, Purple Star!
We were just heading to an event
that will have big importance to you in the distant future.
PURPLE: No thanks Triple Voice,
I want to spend some quality time with my best friend and number one assistant,
Slave the Dragon!
TRIPLE VOICE: I hate my name!
It's a constant reminder of my condition!
PURPLE: Slave? Slave! Slave?
Slave! Come out! Slave! Slave!
I can do this all day!
SLAVE THE DRAGON: I'm right here!
PURPLE: No time to talk, I'm looking for Slave!
SLAVE: But I'm standing right here!
PURPLE: Great, now I have forgotten what I was looking for.
SLAVE: You were looking for me!
PURPLE: No! No! No! No! No! Urgh! Slave!
SLAVE: I'm over here!
PURPLE: Nevermind!
Now, where was this chapter about - aha!
"Dethroning 101 - All you ever wanted to know about killing monarchs
"but were too afraid to ask."
SLAVE: Why would you have such a book in the first place?
PURPLE: It's a bestseller.
"The easiest way fo beginners is to build a small army, learn about ponyology,
"get into the royal family, use your newly gained knowledge to become an alicorn
"and kill the monarch with your army.
"After that you will automatically become the new monarch."
Slave, do you know what that means?
SLAVE: No!
Aah!
PURPLE: Write a letter to the princess!
SLAVE: Okie-dokie!
PURPLE: "Princess Hot Plot,
"I send you this letter to announce to you
"that it is my turn now to try and kill you
"in order to take your place."
SLAVE: Eeh...!
PURPLE: ... Urgh, did you eat too many sweets again?
You know you have a condition!
How often do I have to tell you, the good stuff in the kitchen is for me!
You can have what's left, or if there is none left,
you can eat the dog food my future self sent me for some reason.
SLAVE: I'm done!
PURPLE: Great! Send it!
SLAVE: Okay! But she'll take some time to respond.
PURPLE: See? I told you, she'd take some time to respond.
SLAVE: Uh...!
PURPLE: Well? I'm waiting!
Read it to me while I stand at the big window
looking at you from the back of my eyes proudly like a rich asshole.
SLAVE: "My dearest most faithful Purple Star.
"I have received your letter and I must say!
"Good luck, I can't wait to see you try!"
SLAVE: So where are you intending to find recruits for your army?
PURPLE: There is a little town on the land called Ponytown full of mercenaries!
That'd be a good place to start.
I'll get to you two later...
SLAVE: There is a mercenary.
The pink ones are the deadliest!
PURPLE: Uhm,
hello?
GENERAL WEIRDNESS: The end is neigh!
PURPLE: Maybe something less...energetic.
SLAVE: Okay, the checklist from your book says,
every successful army needs a brawler with amazing strength.
PURPLE: Alright, I hope this time we get somepony not so vital.
POISONED APPLE: Howdy, purple pony,
y'all ain't apple-colored but ah like you anyway.
At least you're not orange-colored.
PURPLE: Bu-ut a-aren't you o-orange?
POISONED: Yeah, pretty ironic, ain't it?
PURPLE: Actually, I have no time for your country nonsense.
I am Purple Star and I need a brawler for my army to kill Hot Plot.
POISONED: Well, ya'll ain't the first one to try that!
My whole family already did at least once.
Hey guys, we got another one!
Now, lemme introduce y'all to the Apple Assassins.
She used poisoned apple fritters.
Poisoned candy apples.
Poisoned apple pudding, golden apples, caramel apples,
apple strudels, apple tards, baked apples, apple cinnamon crisps,
(gasps)
stallion seduction,
foal seduction
and...
granny seduction.
By the way, that apple in your mouth is poisoned, too.
SLAVE: Be thankful that Poisoned Apple didn't kill you!
PURPLE: But those side effects aren't really great either.
SLAVE: Hmm,
next you need a sniper who can attack lightning fast from a distant hiding spot.
PURPLE: Well, I can't see anypony so they must be good.
RAINBOW ASS: Hehe, gotcha!
Hehe!
You're a very dirty pony.
Hehe, oops, now I got you all wet.
Here, lemme give you a little blow to make it up to you.
Now tell me that didn't satisfy you!
(chuckles) Buahaha, did I make you curly?
PURPLE: Shut up and stand straight!
SLAVE: Ahaha, I don't even get it!
RAINBOW: Straight? Have you even met me?
PURPLE: No, I just came here.
RAINBOW: Buahaha! You don't last very long, do ya?
PURPLE: What's gotten into you?
RAINBOW: A lotta things, lemme tell ya!
PURPLE: You're disgusting!
RAINBOW: Yeah, I can make you squirt in a jiffy!
PURPLE: Prove it!
RAINBOW: Told ya, I could do it!
Call me when you want more!
SLAVE: Wow,
she's amazing!
(chuckles)
Wait, you didn't even ask her to join your army.
PURPLE: For a reason, Slave.
For a reason.
SLAVE: It says here that any successful army
needs some kind of seductress who can get others to do what she wants.
Somepony...like her!
WEISSWURST: Nein, nein, nein, ach Gottchen, nein!
PURPLE: Notice me!
WEISSWURST: Not now, meine Liebe, if I stop now I'll lose my creative flow.
Nun, vat can I do for y-ahaha!
Oh meine Güte, vatever happened to your face?
PURPLE: Oh, you mean my mane?
WEISSWURST: Nein, I literally mean your face!
Come viz me, maybe zere is still hope for you.
WEISSWURST (O-S): Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, still nein,
hach, zere is simply nossing zat can make you look good.
Maybe you're just too fat?
PURPLE: Stop! I just wanted to recruit you for my army to kill Princess Hot Plot...
WEISSWURST: Hot Plot?
You mean zat dumb Pony bitch who died her coat from pink to vite,
just so I couldn't send her to camp?
I vould do absolutely everyssing to spill her blood,
so her coat vould turn pink again and I could send her zere anyway.
PURPLE: Quick, before she decides to dye my coat a new color!
SLAVE: She likes camping, too!
PURPLE: Shut up, Slave! What's next on the list?
SLAVE: A pony who tames wild creatures.
BLUE JAZZ: (sings) My Little Pony, My Little Pony...
BUTTERFLY BUTT: Oh my, stop please everypony.
I'm sorry, little birdie but I must ask you to stop being such a terrible singer
or I'll have to eat you!
Okay, a-one, a-two, a-one-two-three...
PURPLE (O-S): Hello!
BUTTERFLY: (screams) I didn't kill her!
PURPLE: Wow, for a creature tamer you sure are a real yellow-belly.
BUTTERFLY: You're such a fucking bitch...
PURPLE: I'm sorry, what was that?
BUTTERFLY: I said, you're such a fucking bitch...
PURPLE: Didn't quite catch that.
BUTTERFLY: Just go die!
PURPLE: Well, she seems harmless!
BUTTERFLY: A baby dragon!
You have your own killer dragon?
SLAVE: Told ya I'm a killer.
BUTTERFLY: I absolutely adore dragons.
They're just so intimidating and destructive.
PURPLE: Well, in that case welcome to the team.
BUTTERFLY: Wait, can I ask you something?
SLAVE: What do you wanna know?
BUTTERFLY: Welcome to what team?
PURPLE: Urgh...!
SLAVE: ...and then Purple Star ran away
because she didn't want a new coat color.
Well, and then we met you. Should I tell you about that, too?
PURPLE: Oh, we're there! I'll stay in this library until my plan is complete.
We should probably go to sleep now. I'll see you tomorrow.
Or not.
SLAVE: Do you think you got your army complete now?
PURPLE: I don't know Slave, we got quite a few good soldiers
but I think it would be nice to also have somepony who can use a bigger weapon,
like a cannon or something.
Now where's the light?
GENERAL WEIRDNESS: Freeze!
I have chosen you to join my army and kill Hot Plot so I can become the new princess.
PURPLE: Wait a minute...
That's my plan!
WEIRDNESS: Stupid purple horsey, everypony wants to kill Hot Plot.
She has brought doom and destruction over Hasbronyia for many milllenia.
I have worked on a plan to destroy her for years
and now that it has come to perfection, I am ready to recruit my army.
Remember when I saw you earlier and I said "The end is neigh!"
Do you?
Well, the moment I saw you I knew you were perfect to be my last recruit.
And that means the end of Hot Plot's tyranny is neigh.
See, I even recruited a few other ponies and I will be the leader of you all.
WEISSWURST: Vat's viss your face again, Liebchen?
WEIRDNESS: Oh she's so cute when she's crying.
SLAVE: Hey Purple Star, you gotta see this!
Spiked Punch got drunk and puked all over the floor!
PURPLE: Oh great, now guess who's gonna have to clean that up later.
SLAVE: Who cares about later? Think about now.
PURPLE: Yeah, and right about now
I'm thinking about who's gonna have to clean that up.
SLAVE: You know, you shouldn't just lie in here the whole time.
PURPLE: I'm not gonna go down and party with those ponies.
SLAVE: Honestly, I don't care what you do
but you shouldn't block the only room for other ponies who might want to get it on.
Have you never been on a party?
PURPLE: I...
SLAVE: Actually, nevermind!
PURPLE: Why is there a party anyway? It's a library for crying outloud.
SLAVE: Dunno, but General Weirdness says
a good leader knows how to entertain his soldiers.
PURPLE: I am the leader of the whole operation.
And just when I had found a few volunteers,
she just came out of nowhere and took them away.
SLAVE: I don't know Purple Star,
General Weirdness has proof that she had the idea first,
so technically she has the right to lead the whole act.
Well, if you want to play any part in the plan at all,
you'll have to accept General Weirdness as your leader.
PURPLE: "If you want to play any part in the plan at all,
"you'll have to accept General Weirdness as your leader."
Hey, I got an idea.
The book said, Hot Plot banned her sister Crescent to the moon.
I'm sure she would help me get revenge.
Maybe I can perform a spell that will aid in her escape?
SLAVE: Purple Star, the time has come to strike!
PURPLE: Yeah yeah, I'm coming.
The spell won't be easy. Its effect will be delayed by a few minutes.
But to forestall the pink pony, I have to try!
Heh, forestall?
More like forestallion, am I right?
WEIRDNESS: The time has finally come,
after all these years, Hot Plot will pay for her crimes against ponykind.
Only at rare occasions, Hot Plot is vulnerable and can be attacked.
Everywhere in this room are my skilled assassins, whom I had trained for decates,
just for this very moment.
As soon as Hot Plot will appear on that balcony,
they will strike and I will be the new princess.
Today Hasbronyia, tomorrow the world!
MAYOR ELECTION FRAUD: Fillies and gentlecolts!
Bla bla bla bla bla bla.
The white, the privileged, Princess Hot Plot!
WEISSWURST: She's gone!
WEIRDNESS: The end is neigh!
FULL MOON: Muahahaha!
Free, at last!
SLAVE: (faints)
FULL MOON: After all this time imprisoned on the moon,
somepony has finally released me.
Now, who did it?
Was it you, was it you?
Now, tell me, pony folks!
Who of you was it, setting me free?
PURPLE: It was me!
It was only me.
Purple Star.
WEIRDNESS (O-S): The end is neigh!
FULL MOON: Well, well, well,
somepony who is either brave or foolish enough
to free the most dangerous criminal in all of Hasbronyia.
PURPLE: I freed you so you would assist me in killing Hot Plot.
FULL MOON: Now, isn't that cute?
Are you not aware that I always work alone?
PURPLE: Well, I...
(gulp)
FULL MOON: Remember this day, little ponies.
From this moment forth, Hasbronyia has a new ruler.
And you will worship her full moon forever!
Muahahaha!
BACKGROUND PONY (O-S): Hey, I found a penny!