“Derpys childhood birthday” Written by Billbooks
"But Mom, I really want him to come!" Derpy Hooves begged, on her knees, her voice ringing
across the small house. "I'm sorry, but it's not happening, and that's
final! I know it's your birthday, but that doesn't just mean that everything is of your
choice. And besides, that sweet little filly Pinkie is throwing your party. Isn't that
enough?" her mother said, strain in her voice from saying the exact same thing a million
times to her daughter. It was her birthday tomorrow, but Derpy wasn't satisfied, since
her best (if not only) friend wouldn't be coming. She pouted, slowly going to her room,
her argument lost. It wasn't fair, not at all. She got up into her bed and sat there,
daydreaming. Her mother had sounded pretty serious, but she could always get her father
to change her mind. She jumped off, and trotted out the door to
where her father currently was, at the store. As she entered, she heard someone snicker
quietly. She looked behind herself to see a young Pegasus pointing her out to his friends,
laughing at what they saw. "Ha! Look at the freak's eyes!"
Derpy quickly went into the store, hiding her eyes from anypony. She kept going, not
paying attention to where she was, until she bumped into an old mare, who yelled out as
her cane slipped from her grasp. She fell onto a pyramid of towels, all of which collapsed.
"Oh... I'm so, so, so sorry!" She slowly backed away from the scene as the store manager ran
out to help. Her cheeks went red as she slowly walked away. She sighed. "Why am I such a
screw up..." She sneaked back to the front of the store,
acting as if none of the accident had just happened. It was then that she took in the
details of the market. The floors were shining, and the shelves held numerous items, such
as foods, goods, and other ingredients. Above all else, Derpy peered at the very top of
first aisle's shelf. She licked her lips, forgetting about what happened earlier, thinking
of how good it would taste, how delicious, scrumptious, flavorful, rich, and savory they
would be. She stared at it's bronze surface, and the sparkling stars of blue that were
embedded into the top. "Muffins!" she squealed, immediately staring at them, her mouth watering.
Droplets of reflective saliva dropped from her mouth, reproducing an image of the treats
above her head. She immediately started working her tiny wings, her hooves slowly raising
above the floor. She kept staring at it, going faster, coming closer, and closer, and closer,
until... Bonk!
She crashed into a brown wall, spinning back towards the ground. The brown wall retracted,
and Derpy followed its path to a brown stallion, going miles a minute saying
apologies. "Oh, jeese, are you hurt? Are you okay? How
many muffins am I holding up?" He held up two muffins, waving them across her eyes.
Derpy immediately jumped up and chomped on one, taking a large bite out of it's glistening
top. "Mmm! Thank you, Mister!" she stated, getting
back up. Her legs wobbled a bit, but the stranger laid a hoof on her, steadying her. She inspected
him more thoroughly now. He had a chocolate colored mane, with a lighter colored fur.
His cutie mark resembled an hour glass, and he wore a green tie. Being shy, she immediately
started to trot off to find her father. Then, a light bulb came on in her head. She turned
around and jumped at the kind stranger. "Oh, oh! Do you want to come to my birthday party?"
"Why, when is it?" he replied, smiling at Derpy.
"Tomorrow!" "I'll gladly come!" He paused for a moment
because she stared at him for a moment, or at least it seemed so with her eyes.
"Well?" she asked after the moment of stasis. "You aren't gonna just walk away or make fun
of me?" The stranger looked at her, puzzled. "Why
would I do that?" Derpy opened her mouth, but decided against saying something.
"What's your name, Mister? Mine is Derpy!" She asked, bouncing around him.
"I'm the Doctor," he said with an air of confidence. Derpy stopped for a moment, waiting for him
to finish. "The doctor of what?"
"No, I'm the Doctor." "Of what?"
"No, I'm the Doctor," he repeated, putting more emphasis on the. Now it was Derpy's turn
to look puzzled. "I'm just gonna call you Doctor!" she said.
"You wanna come home with me?" She had completely forgotten of her father, and she really didn't
need his opinion since Derpy had someone to replace the open slot of her birthday party.
"Sure, I really was just browsing," he responded, walking with her. He almost had to run to
keep up with the excited little pony ahead of him. The afternoon sun slowly retracted
as the day went on. The Doctor and Derpy continued on to her home.
* * * "So, now that you know, let's play a game
of Chess," the Doctor said, reconstructing the brown-and-black board's pieces. The sun
was going down, making the sky a hue of orange. The two ponies were in Derpy's room. A muffin-shaped
clock sat above them on a beige wall, outlined with dark wood. Derpy was sprawled across
her bed, a small mattress atop a polished wooden frame with teal blankets and white,
fluffy pillows. The Doctor sat down on one of the pillows at the end of the bed, the
board between them. Behind him was a long table, on top of which were some of Derpy's
belongings and pictures. The Doctor was trying to explain how to play Chess, but Derpy didn't
grasp the rules. He finished arranging the pieces. "You go first, Derpy."
"Okay!" She grabbed the horse piece, and ran it around the board, crashing into all the
other pieces! Every single piece was in utter disarray when she was done. "Did I win?" she
asked, beaming. "Er... Not exactly." A knock sounded on their
door, and Derpy's mother put her head in the door.
"Sweetums? I believe it's time to go to bed now."
"Okay, Mom! Bye, Doctor!" She hopped to the head of the bed and slid under the covers.
"Good bye, Derpy," he said, walking out the door. He passed Derpy's mother, and walked
out into the street, and then disappeared. "Good night, Derpy," the mother whispered,
closing the door and turning off the light. Derpy was encompassed in blackness. Everything
was silent, and she slowly fell asleep. The next day...
"Derpy... Wake up, Derpy..." She shifted in her sleep, woke up, and saw
her mother's face looking down at her. A white smile was on her face, and next to that smile
was another, which belonged to her father. It wasn't white, with the red and purple jam
stains and what-not, but it was still a great sight to wake up to.
"Happy Birthday!" they declared in unison, their smiles infectious as Derpy's mouth twisted
into one. "It's my birthday!" she squeaked, immediately
awake and jumping around the room. She bounced off the walls in euphoria before getting tuckered
out. She stared out the window and saw one of the greatest things she's ever seen. Tables
formed a rectangle outside, each one with a muffin-pattern cloth. They held gifts, food,
and more. Some of her mother's friends were there, as well as their kids. But above all
else, the Doctor stood in the middle, holding his present rather than putting it on a table.
Farther on was Pinkie Pie, with a large audience watching her juggle ten party hats, throwing
them out to ponies as she went. Her hair was a bright pink mess, and she wore a party hat
saying Happy Birthday, Derpy! Over her head were steel poles soaring upwards, with strings
connected them, having bright flags on them. Even further were their neighbors' homes,
the town hall, Sugar Cube Corner, more houses, and the mountains that were far, far away.
"We hope we did enough, sweet heart!" the father said, giving Derpy a ride on his back.
He trotted out the door, down the stairs, and outside, her mother following. "Here she
is everyone! The birthday girl has arrived!" Everyone glanced up, feigned a smile, then
went back to talking amidst each other, not giving the slightest care in the world, since
they were only here from Derpy's mother's request. Derpy really didn't know anypony
there, but there was one stallion that she did, and he was right in front of her. Derpy
jumped off her father's back, flew into the air, and glided towards Doctor Whooves, who
greeted her with open arms. "I'm so glad you came!" she exclaimed, a muffin
already in her hand. "Don't talk to me just yet. Pinkie's approaching,"
he replied, shushing her for Pinkie's upcoming song.
Pinkie Pie approached them, juggling muffins now and running on a beach ball, spinning
it to move. She opened her mouth into a great, big, beaming smile and started singing in
a fast pace. "Hey, guess who's birthday it is today?
It's your own, and no happiness will be put at bay!
Today is your day, and you can do what ever you like,
Because anyone saying otherwise can just go take a hike!
But what is your name, what is your name? Parties with names are never the same!
If you tell me, you'll get an icee or a slurpee! Oh, what's that? Your name is DERPY!"
Confetti exploded around her, and she danced around Derpy, throwing muffins into the air
so that Derpy could fly and get them. The happiness on her face was more than Pinkie's.
Once she finished off the muffins, the Doctor walked up.
"Here, this is something that I thought you'd like." He put the present on the ground. Derpy
stared at it before putting her hooves on it and tearing it apart. Inside the paper
was a box. She opened it, and was blinded by the light from inside for a moment. Her
eyes adjusted, and she shifted the box so the sun didn't glare off the object inside.
She dumped it onto her hoof to see a small key that read T.A.R.D.I.S.
"Um, what is it?" she asked, confused. "Here, follow me," he responded, walking behind
their house. Her dad was busy doing something, and her mother was in the middle of a conversation
with another mare, who was mocking Derpy's eyes before a harsh slap was delivered to
her by the mother. "I am going to show you the most amazing thing you'll ever see." He
covered her eyes, and walked her over. "Tada!" he exclaimed, removing his hooves.
Derpy was confused once again, because what stood in front of her was a blue box with
white windows around it, and the top of it said POLICE PONY BOX. "I still don't get it,"
she said, one eye drooping down. "Ah, but that's because you haven't seen the
inside. I'll only show you a peek." He opened the door of the blue box just a crack, and
Derpy gasped in amazement to see a huge room with technology everywhere. "This is the TARDIS,
which is partially my home. You may enter it when ever you like with that key. But not
today. After all, you still have a lot of partying to do, don't you?" He flashed her
a smile. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!"
she screamed out, flying circles around him. They both walked back to the front, and kept
partying. Derpy never mentioned to her parents of the box, but after that day, she did go
inside it, and it turned out that it was a time traveling device. They traveled far and
wide for the years that came, solving problems and learning lessons.
The End
”Hello everypony snogwritts here congratulations for making it to the end of this video, as
always I definitely enjoyed reading this fic to all of you.
Alrighty then lets start reviewing this fic
Ok so heres this
Now this fic starts with the drama between Derpy and her mother which is a great way
to start this fic, not only would it get the reader interested, but they would want to
read more too see whats going on and I believe thats a very good strategy to hook your reader.
The author did do a great job writing this fic because the plot overall flows, but not
entirely. What really bugs me as the reader is the fact that in that one scene where Derpy
was with the doctor in her room, at the time when I was reading it didn’t really make
sense. Why? Well specifically, the author didn’t explain how a mother would let a
grown stallion that’s completely a stranger to play with her daughter. This is an example
of a missing detail, and notably enough, its a common mistake. Make sure to explain why
things happen in a short brief explanation or a long one so the reader doesn’t hang
on to get confused. Out of all costs you definitely don’t want to make the reader confused as
it will motivate them to stop reading. As imaginative as writing could be, you still
need to stick to reality so make sure to keep that in mind. In fact, details in the story
can use some more figurative language to make the story interesting as well as descriptive
words. This will not only develop the tone this story actually needs more of, but me
as the reader felt that a lot of areas can use more details, especially since I can relate
to Derpy as a character actually which motivated me to keep reading. My suggestion to the author
is not only add more details to a lot of areas , but use Derpy to his advantage because notably
enough, Derpy is one of the most relatable characters you can find in mlp fan fiction
today and will help motivate the reader to keep reading I think you can use more figurative
and descriptive words. Overall this fic was ok, but it definitely has a a lot of potential
to be a lot better with edits.
Alright lets wrap this video up so before you write something make sure it makes sense
so the reader won’t get confused later on and trust me when I say this it’ll help
in the long run. Alrighty then today marks the third month of the channel and as of this
video I have 62 subscribers! Thank you guys so much for your support it’s been a great
three months I learned so much about narrating and writing and I thank you guys for supporting
me on this channel. In fact, I actually thought about this for a while and I was thinking
of making the fanfic reading and the review separate so not only will you have two great
quality videos for the week, but the reviews will be revamped and have a lot more better
quality. Although I assure you this isn’t really taking place now as I am still sticking
to my original formula of making videos and I still need to consider this idea. Actually
fellow viewer it would be great if you can comment down below your thoughts about this
it definitely help me make a final decision. I think it would be a great Idea to do it
so I can get myself into more of the review portion of fanfics. With that, thank you for
listening fellow viewer and if you like the video please leave this video a thumbs up
and if you haven’t already subscribe to the channel, I upload weekly fanfic reads
every Saturday on a variety of genres and give an analysis after each one. Oh and before
I go, I just want to wish everypony a Happy Mothers Day, show your mother some love buy
her a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates or do what I do and get some cupcakes from
Sugar Cube Corner mmm scrumptious and delicious indeed. Aside from that, I wish everypony
a Happy Mothers Day and enjoy the rest of your weekend. Alright thats it for me this
is Snogwritts signing out.